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»THEIR WEIGHT IN GOLD« by Monika Rinck

Translation from German: Nicholas Grindell

ADVERTISING INSTALLATION for the THURNEYSSER AGENCY

Today’s special offer: The List of Seven Spells
1) Eloquence = Chatter Spell.
2) Physique = Athlete Spell.
3) Memory = Recall Spell.
4) Diligence = Always Busy Spell.
5) Pride = Confidence Spell.
6) Prodigality = Cornucopia Spell.
7) Bravado = Turbo-Chatter Spell.
Three for the price of two!

PS: Near Küstrin lives a 120-year-old woman who speaks a language
no one knows but her. Immortal consciousness is now postage free.

Magical pharmacognostics for everyone! I will analyse your bodily fluids. Advance
payment requested. Gems exchanged for their weight in gold. Everyone’s a winner!

Get it now – your very own personal horoscope for the year 2020!
Personalized talismans for small deposit! High-carat benefice. Harika!

VERBENA dug on Good Friday’s good,
then women’s favour you’ll secure,
but don’t use iron, dig it up with gold!

Penis extension? You wish for the extension of your penis?
Results up to twenty times larger than in common practice.
Leave 400 euros here and wait for the magic to take effect.
Success guaranteed. Penis will even outgrow your wishes!

There’s something new for poltergeists. Here are the trucker’s tricks.
Here are the hits of the latest Italian trucker transmutation alchemy.
Forty gears! Get GOLD with aid of poltergeists, WITHOUT expiring.
Fortune without usury. 100 percent safe. Fraud-free materialization. 
SUPER URINE: I will analyse your urine for just 200 euro. SUPER URINE!
Only until month’s end: with pertinent herb plus coral ointment FOR FREE!
SUPER URINE: I will analyse your urine for just 200 euro. SUPER URINE!

You have a problem? No problem! Here’s January’s imp-in-a-jar deal:
We describe your problem in thirteen living and twelve dead languages!
Also: horoscopes, talismans, bank transactions, translations, errands.
We also do documents! Specializing in RDV: REALLY DIFFICULT VISA.

New, fresh off the printing press at the Thurneysser Agency:
The All-Language Dictionary! Get it here! Over 100,000 pages!
Wooooah! Talking hounds and talking oxen!!! Reeeeeal good!
Tranalations from more then thrity-two langauges! Cetrified!

ATTENTION! – This could save your life and that of your loved ones:
Act NOW and buy your FIRST-AID KIT FOR TRAVEL AND WARTIME.
With real magpie milk, donkey oracle, sapphire ointments, with electrum
made of all the stones of all the planets, and: huge flask of scorpion oil,
plus genuine extract of mummy and the actual meat of extinct animals!

Annual salary! Here, take it.
Thank you kindly. I need two.

Send me a flask filled with your own juice (first void urine).
I shall hold a coral up to it, to the song of a babbling lady.
Bubble! I’ll bring it to a wild spot rich in game and free it
on the ocean forest floor, sprinkle with shambles, saltpetre,
corals and bright yellow sulphur, I’ll calculate these effects
and make it rain stones, on the roof, as it be fixed. Reputation.
And female deer do feast on this very plant. That’s 12 thalers.

I shall then at once order the nomenclature of plants
and reorder them and order once again and I shall
commence with the petals, the pistils, the persimmons.
And then thereafter: talking hounds and talking oxen.
The All-Language Dictionary! Promotional! How fine
that languages whizzed asunder when the Tower was
built, on God’s command. Magnificence! Dutch child
in mother’s womb speaks French! Incomprehension.
Incomprehension as a winning plan. Gold for teaching.

Is it pure? Doesn’t have to be pure. I’m geeeeEeEttiiIiIng iiiiiiiiiLL!
However, the container must be hermetic. New cases of SARS.
NO CASES OF SARS! Thurneysser expelled and destroyed SARS.

Meet your own collectives of precious stones inside the Earth.
New tours bookable from August 2020! Quasi fire-shaped talismans!
10 percent OFF for soldiers, valid military ID must be presented.

Top deal for passers-by: from tail eater to quail eater!
One hundred quails already eaten! We tell the secret!
By heating matter, we forced it to relinquish its form.
Tail was hand-hot and inwardly deformed and mutable.
And became quail! You too can eat quail instead of tail!

The procedure of sublimation: improvement of materials!
We have carnival-lecterns show-booths scientists
rattlebags medicine protégé protégé murder protégé
self-murderer pogromator Jew-hater protégé victim.
We have the philosophers stone that was a red powder.
In the Grey Monastery, which was a fiery red edifice.
We have ruins. You too can improve many materials, today!

New Year’s here! OFFERS for IMPROVEMENTS of life’s length!
For form, physique, complexion! Improve your temperament!
Also, super-cheap until 28 February: leprosy cure, contains gold.
Cash-back guarantee! Alloy of all metals of all planets. Exclusive.

+ + + JANUARY OFFERS + + + Essence of Masterwort 400 euros + + + Essence of Amber 380 euros + + + Distilled Amethyst Water 350 euros ++ + Distilled Coral Water 350 euros + + + 1 dram Oleum Absynthii 500 euros + + + 1 dram Oleum Vitrioli 500 Euro + + + 12 grains Thurbirth Minerale Ex Saturno 300 euros + + + EXTREME OFFERS: 2 drams Magisterium Mikrokosmi ONLY 550 euros + + + 1 lot Ointment of Emerald 1200 euros + + + 1 lot Ointment of Ruby 400 euros + + + 1 lot Spiritus Bini 400 euros + + + 1 lot Spiritus Vini Korekti 600 euros + + + Aurum Potabile 4800 euros (per lot) + + + Additional offers on request. + + + +